CauliFlower and Food Punishment

Hello awesome people! Kylie gave me the green light to write to you, so here I am.  First of all I would like to say why I named myself Cauliflower. When Kylie asked me what my codename would be the first thing that popped into my mind was “Cauliflower”.

I feel like a cauliflower sometimes. On the outside I see myself as something ugly, not so elegant, not pretty, not attractive, maybe you feel the same too. Your appearance and the tag you (or others) have put on yourself holds you back and makes you blind. You cannot see the flower that you hide inside, you don’t let it show. That is why I am here. At the end of this journey I no longer want US to feel like a CauliFlower but like a beautiful, elegant, pretty, attractive, vibrant FLOWER. 

Do you know what it feels like wanting to vomit every single minute of the day? For 5 days? Feeling so shit about yourself that even if the last thing you want to do is to eat you still do just because you want to punish yourself? Well that is how I felt for the past 5 days.

Everything was going so well for me. I lost some weight, people noticed, I exercised every day, ate so well. Food and binge eating was no longer the meaning of my life. Then Saturday came, my sister made cupcakes. I ate so much frosting. On Sunday I ate 3 cupcakes. The next few days I continued with my guilt and stress inclining and my food consumption also inclining. Such an amount of sugar made me so sick. I spent such a horrible week and all that for some cupcakes which I usually don’t eat because I don’t like them.

I made myself sick for 5 days by eating something I don’t like. I thought to myself “You are such an idiot” but then I thought about the past few years and I realised that this is not the first nor the second or third. A lot of times I have punished myself with food but I don’t want this to continue. I don’t want to hate myself for the rest of my life. I need to find why I hate myself, why do I punish myself and why with food.

I will work on it until I find an answer and I will post it! If anyone of you goes through a similar situation please post your feelings, your experience or even your answer on fb or here.

Love yourself, you’re worth it.

CauliFLOWER 🙂