Denial – What’s up with that?

Denial – What’s up with that?



The world is going through some radical change right now, and there’s a lot happening in social media around call-out culture, around people calling out or naming and shaming other people for things that they perceive to be not okay, unethical, racist, privileged, or biased behavior in some way.

Naming and shaming people into change is not my preferred way to facilitate change. I found that shaming people doesn’t usually help to facilitate open discussion or people’s self-reflection around behaviors.

Call-out culture and the kind of shaming toxic aspect of it, while I can understand the rage and the feelings of people that have felt that their needs have been unheard and unmet for a really long time finally having a voice, and finally having the ability to speak up about things that have been festering for a long time within society as a whole, I’m not a huge fan of shaming as a tactic or pathway.

However, we as coaches have the opportunity to be willing to look for our own denial, our own biases, and to be able to notice that and support greater awareness in a compassionate way for both ourselves and also our clients.

How do we do that?

How do we help someone?

We all have blind spots. It’s not a bad thing. It’s just a part of human nature. Everyone has blind spots. Everyone is in denial about some things.

How do we go through these blind spots?

How do we shift them?

How do we open ourselves up and shine the light of our consciousness on areas that we have been blind to without needing to kind of shame ourselves or shame others?

Because shaming really just drops us right down and causes us to want to close up, and not want to look at those things, and not want to talk about those things if we’re going to be shamed.

But if we come from a place of compassion and openness and say, “Hey, we’ve all got things that we’re blind to, let’s have a discussion, let’s open up our awareness, let’s get to deeper insights around this.”

There’s a few presuppositions or beliefs from NLP that I found can be really useful here.

One is people are not there behaviors and everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have. The other one which people kind of don’t necessarily always understand or know how to put it into practice is, the most important information about the person is their behavior. It’s not their intentions, it’s not what they were feeling, it’s not what they’re meant to do. It’s what they actually did.

I’m going to go into a deeper discussion into this and how it relates for us as coaches and how we can utilize these presuppositions, these beliefs, to help us to be able to coach ourselves and also coach our clients through blind spots, through denial, without needing to shame but instead opening up a deeper conversation and questions that are going to lead to deeper insights, awareness, and an intrinsic level of change. Not a “you should be doing this because I said so change” but a genuine heart-opening change where the person comes to a higher realization and then moves to an intrinsic desire to want to change because they have opened to a new level of awareness.


“We can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.”

– Albert Einstein

Blaming and shaming is not going to be the solution here. However, love, compassion, opening up to a higher level of awareness… Not spiritual bypassing, mind you, but with that framing, with that mindset, with that awareness, looking deeply at what are the practical actions, what are the practical behaviors that someone is doing, and are those behaviors leading to results that I align with, that I agree with, that my values and morals and ethics feel is okay and that I want to continue in the world.

It’s like taking a really clear look at what am I doing, how is that contributing to the results that I’m getting in the world, and is that okay or not. Starting to open up these questions to deeper levels of inquiry.

I think that’s really useful right now for the coaching industry. And if we can get this sorted out then we can be pillars, beacons, guides, facilitators for the rest of the world to sort this out.

We get to go first here as coaches, as supercoaches, as those willing to do this deep inner work that’s scary. It’s scary work to look at your own biases, to consider that something you’ve believed your whole life might be inadvertently hurting someone or might be counter to your own values.

Being willing to look through the discomfort of that cognitive dissonance is so important for sustainable transformation.

The world is going through a transformation. We as leaders of transformation need to raise up to a higher level of skill, capacity, compassion, depth of awareness, consciousness, in order to lead with that and be a part of that change.

If you’d like to continue the discussion with this, I’m going to go into deeper practical detail around this and how to use these presuppositions, how to use them for yourself, how to use them with your clients, come join me in the SuperCoach Society. I’m going to jump in right now and continue the conversation in there.

Lots of love. I hope to see you there.

If you are a coach, an aspiring coach, a business coach, a personal trainer, fitness trainer, mindset coach, intuitive coach, if you call yourself a coach of any sort, I want to see you in there and help you to rise up to the next level of income, impact, and influence in your world.

Speak to you soon.

Kylie x

Join the SuperCoach Society

Comments (1)

  1. Amazing, Thanks for sharing the informative blog.

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