Kylie: Hi there, everybody! It’s Kylie and Bianca from My Mind Coach, Home of the Queens Collective – and today you are listening to us talk about designing your dream life.
Bianca: We have been talking all about really helping high-achieving women create epic results in their life, without sacrificing their body or selling their soul. Let’s just have a chat about our experience in working in feminine leadership for over a decade and the common obstacles that keep so many women stuck. And, so much of it, we see it being as this ambition and this desire to be more and have more and do all the things, coming at great cost and consequence in other areas of their life.
What do you really think is going on with high achievers and why does the success come at the expense of another area of their life?
It’s deeper than just life balance.
Kylie: The classic example is the driven, corporate woman who’s climbed to the corporate ladder. She’s really gone out and created huge success for herself, but she might struggle to take time off and relax, and struggle to find the right man or have a relationship. Suddenly she finds herself with the corner office and making great money, but she’s freezing her eggs at 40 and wondering if she’s going to find Mr. Right – and maybe even having some extra kilos because she stopped looking after herself at the gym.
On the other side of the scale is the woman who is extremely fit and healthy and kind of push themselves almost to distraction and adrenal fatigue from being so fit and healthy, and maybe has a relationship or doesn’t have a relationship but maybe struggles to manage her money very wisely.
So there’s this level of imbalance, I feel, of like there’s one area of your life that you put all of your effort and all of your attention and all of your drive into, and other things just fall by the wayside. And it’s more than life balance. It’s deeper than just life balance. It’s this masculine drive of “I must achieve in order to be worthy”. And when that’s running the show unconsciously then a lot of other things can be pushed aside because it’s like you’re in warrior mode, you’re in “Go, go, go. I must achieve.” It’s like do or die.
What I think really drives that is conditional self-love.
Bianca: I was having this conversation about how sometimes being in that warrior energy is actually a lot of fun, but not when it comes from a place of should and the do or die, where it’s being fueled out of a sense of obligation or a level of anxiety like the world might end, the sky might fall down if I don’t meet my targets. And what I think really drives that is conditional self-love. You talk about unconditional love, this is conditional love.
When you take the doing away from an overachiever then they’re left with who they are as a person, which is about the level of being that’s helping you go out into the world. And that is something that not very many people navigate themselves well – and especially, you can’t do it alone. Because as we’ve always been talking about, you cannot change a problem from the same level of thinking it was created from. You just keep on going around and round and round in circles.
Even in our own journey, we are constantly looking for reflections in mentors, in masterminds, in communities of our peers where we can help lead ourselves better, we can uplevel our identity and how we’re showing up in the world for our family, our friends, each other, our clients. And that all happens internally. You can’t checklist your way out of that.
A lot of times you won’t even realize that that ‘do or die’ is a problem until it comes undone.
Kylie: No, it’s the deep dive. Going on that inner journey is such a full-on thing. A lot of the times you won’t even realize that that “do, do, do or die” is a problem until it comes undone, until it’s like, “Oh god, I’m 40 and freezing my eggs and I can’t find a man because I’ve been so focused on my work my entire life.” Or, “I’m struggling to lose weight because I’ve dedicated my entire life to being a mother and to my kids and I’ve never looked after myself.”
And so, there’s this kind of critical turning point that needs to happen where you go, “Oh, I actually…” And that’s the shift of consciousness, right? That’s where you go, “Ugh, I actually can’t keep living like this. I have to do something differently.” There is a moment where you go, “Oh, actually, I need to change something about this, it’s not working for me.” Because up until then, if you talk to a mother that’s dedicated to her kids and said, “Hey, you need to spend some time on yourself, you need to look after yourself, take a spa visit…” you know, how many moms listening to this have been given spa visits and gym memberships that they have never used?
Bianca: Kylie, you gave me one and I’ve just been wringing frantically to use it because it’s almost coming up to its expiry date.
Kylie: It’s a classic example. Or women that are such huge high achievers and then suddenly they’re like, “Ugh, the clock’s ticking” or “Ugh, all of my friends are getting married and I’ve got this huge success in my career, but it feels empty and meaningless because I don’t have someone to enjoy it with.” Or the mum who’s suddenly she’s not being able to enjoy time with her kids because she can’t go to the beach because she feels uncomfortable in a swimsuit.
It can happen on either end of the scale. Whether you’ve gone down that traditional path of the male side of the breadwinner or you’ve gone down the more feminine part of being the mother and the caretaker. The symphysis is in both coming back together again – and that’s the work that we’re so excited to be doing.
What about if you chose healthier emotions within the circumstances of your life?
Bianca: Absolutely! It’s funny because you can see this long list of intangible things, like feeling frumpy and daggy or being distracted and constantly multi-tasking, running to do lists forever in your head, always feeling like you’re overcommitted. And then that is actually part of your secret recipe of success and not willing to let go of that.
Even emotional eating and using food and alcohol as a crux to unwind or to feel better. Those are the things that are sort of happening out there that we have been taught that you have to buy this to fix that, get this and do that to fix that, when actually they all started and were created from an emotional level or deeper energetic level first. And that’s what I really discovered is, stop worrying about the emotional eating and thinking I’ve got to just choose healthier foods instead of emotional eating. What about if you chose healthier emotions within the circumstances of your life? And that’s EQ!!! Like yeah.
Kylie: BAM!!! What if I chose healthier emotions? Well, yeah.
Bianca: And that’s really coming down to being able to lead yourself more efficiently – and that’s why we talk about designing your dream life. I even found being a mother and being pregnant and then having a baby actually threw me back into the mass wisdom, the traditional conventional wisdom, and it’s like the real underbelly of society of all these weird pressures of regurgitated information and advice that’s not actually true, and pitting women against women. There’s so much strange stuff that I haven’t been exposed to.
And being 35, I’m an older mum and I’m not used to having things like this dictated to me. Even my doctor, I would walk up and he’d just weigh me every week and I’m like, Dude!” He’s like, I’m 99 kilos. He’s like, “Don’t get to 100.” I’m like, “Why would I care about getting to 100?” He goes, “Yeah, but it’s a bad number.” I’m like, “It’s just a number.”
Now I have enough emotional intelligence to weather that storm, but many other women especially 10 to 15 years younger wouldn’t have had that experience to draw upon. I can tell my doctor where to go like, “Listen, dude, you just stay on my lane, I stay on mine.” But most women probably would just take those things on as truth.
Kylie: And freak themselves out about it and have more stress and have more cortisol running through their body, worrying about an arbitrary number on the scale, rather than just be healthy and eat well and do some movement and have a beautiful, happy pregnancy.
We’ve been on the inside of so many people’s successful from the outside lives and realized how much havoc and crisis and sacrifices are happening in the background.
Bianca: I find that different people outside of this work will offer their well-meaning advice but it’s an unqualified opinion. And, really, we were just talking before about how your definition of a dream life is different to somebody else’s. Because nobody knows what’s going on, nobody knows why you make this compromised for another. If you value freedom and growth first and foremost and we talk about life wealth – I think we’ve been on the inside of so many people’s successful from the outside lives and realized how much havoc and crisis and sacrifices are happening in the background.
Kylie: Yeah, absolutely. There’s like people with huge success in business whose marriages are falling apart and they’re having affairs, or they can’t fall pregnant because they’ve got infertility issues because they’ve been running their masculine energy for so long that they don’t want to let go of control of their body and their life, and so their body’s blocking them from having a baby in the first place. Or people that are dedicated mums but struggle then to take time out themselves or have a desperate yearning to do something else and actually have ambition for themselves and their own personal desires, but feel guilty even taking a time to invest a tiny bit of effort and energy into allowing them to feel fulfilled.
There’s so much… It’s like this versus this, this versus this, this versus this. When really, it’s a choice. There’s a whole bunch of choices that we get to make, and we’re kind of indoctrinated with society’s beliefs about “You go to school, and then you go to high school, and then you go to university, and then you get a job, and then you get married, and then you have kids, and then you go on holidays and work for 30 years, and then you retire and then you have some more holidays as your kids grow up and you grandparent your kids.”
It’s like there’s a life path that’s laid out for the kind of acceptable human being that pays taxes and just does what is socially acceptable.
It’s like there’s a life path that’s laid out for the kind of acceptable human being that pays taxes and just does what is socially acceptable. And there’s a lot of people now that are bucking that trend and really creating different lives for themselves. Corporate women that are throwing it all in and becoming yoga teachers and going and living in Bali, or people that are getting divorced because they’re in unfulfilling partnerships, unfulfilling marriages, and having super successful co-parenting relationships with their ex-partner.
We can almost throw out the rule book here and really design our own lives the way that we want to. The internet has created a revolution in the way that we work, the way that we parent, the way that we connect with each other — the possibilities are limitless with that. And I feel like there’s a lot of people that don’t understand just how many possibilities really exist for them, to think differently and live a different type of life. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re going to travel the world being a fashion blogger or a photographer or Instagram model, but there’s a lot more scope for freedom in your life than you might be giving yourself permission for.
You can design your dream life.
Bianca: That’s it, exactly. I’ve been having these great conversations in these power chats after doing the feminine power diagnostic, which really looks at the different areas in your life and where you’re leaking power. It’s interesting because some people, they’re just rocking in every area of their life and they’re actually just really chill about it, and then there are other people who are really at low dire critical levels. But the difference between the two types of scope is that one person might be living a 2 out of 10 when it comes to feeling like they’re on purpose and living their potential, but they won’t give themselves permission to realize doing something about it is just a choice.
And so, I’m having these conversations and I’m very much just going, “Hey, here’s an opportunity. You can design your dream life. You can do it without having these same structures that hold you back and imprison you and say, ‘Here, sit in your corner and accept your lot in life.’ You can create your own reality”. And they’re like, “Oh yeah, I’ll have a think about it.”
Imagine if you’re impaled on a pole, you had this massive stick coming out and somebody’s offering you life-saving surgery and you go, “Oh yeah, I’ll just sit on it for awhile and I’ll just mull it over” and realizing that was the choice and that when you continue to make those choices, to believe those thoughts that say that you’re not worth a life-saving surgery and that your life could be infinitely better with just a YES, a decision to choose a different thought, that’s the difference between people who actually get to live their potential, who actually get to have that true prosperity and access the vital health, create fulfilling relationships. But it’s really just… Will you give yourself permission to make a choice that you’re allowed to have more?
It’s radical to say YES to yourself.
Kylie: Yeah, it’s saying yes to yourself. One of my beautiful mentors, Ivonne, has a class called Sheepless and it’s about creating leaders. You know that Leunig cartoon where all the white sheep are going together to go off the cliff and walking off the cliff and there’s one black sheep going the other way going, “Ahhhh!!! Let’s go back the other way!” because it’s like all the lemmings, all the sheep are going together, off the cliff together – and there’s this comfort in the sameness of “Oh, we’re all doing it together so we must be safe.” But all of them together are going off the cliff.
And it is radical to say yes to yourself. It is radical to say, “I deserve to have a healthy body, I deserve to be able to be a mother if I choose to, and I deserve to create prosperity in something that is meaningful to me, and I deserve to have fulfilling relationships in my life and be able to travel if I choose or be able to save if I choose to. I deserve that.” It’s radical to make that decision for yourself. It’s sad that it’s radical, but it’s radical.
Bianca: And what I’ve realized in all this work that we’ve been doing over the years is it actually helps you recognize the difference between subconscious thoughts and conscious thoughts. Because what happens most of the time is that you bring up one of these subconscious thoughts and you go, “Well, that sounds stupid…” or you don’t even realize that it’s running in the background.
So often in coaching sessions we bring up these two warring parts and the person goes, “That doesn’t sound right.” I’m like, “But you said those words, didn’t you?” They’re like, “Yeah, but I don’t believe them.” But a part of you does. And so that’s part of the EQ, that’s part of realizing and recognizing the hidden interferences that are going on. And that’s why overtime…
Somebody was saying to me, “Can I buy your Love Your Body Lean ReSchool, which is a program that… You know, Kylie and I, we have created so many awesome programs to help people at different areas of their life. They have created freaking amazing life transformations and people often look on the outside and go, “Whoa! What’s happened to you?” And they’re like “Oh, you know, I did the Goddess Body Quest” or, “I did the Love Your Body Lean ReSchool.”
And I said to somebody today, I’m like, “You know what, even though my program won the People’s Choice for Best Weight Management Program of the Year at the Global Weight Management Conference, I would never sell it again. Because, first and foremost, I have upleveled my personal skills, I can lead myself better since getting my NLP certification through you. I have next partnered with you as my mentor, that helped me escape my own consequences of my own thoughts. Like what are the first conversations Kylie and I even had? We were talking about how I’ve got to get up on stage, I’ve got to win this show, I’ve got to make my big break.
Kylie: As a body sculpter.
I thought I needed all sessions and all the programs – and that one session totally transformed my life, my career, my body.
Bianca: As a body sculpter. Kylie said, “Okay, what do you think you need to do to get there? Give me an image.” And I was like, “Oh well, I have to diet hard to do it.” And the image was this black and white Western movie where it was like just a road to nowhere and then a tumbleweed across the screen. I just thought that this long, hard road to nowhere, it was what I was going to have to do to achieve my ideal body and my happiness. And I thought I needed all sessions and all the programs – and that one session totally transformed my life, my career, my body. And I keep living in a new trajectory for the future every single time I invest in uncovering what’s going on for me there.
So now that I partnered with you, it’s like all of your superpowers and all my superpowers are combined together. I know there’s a better way, a better outcome, a more brilliant future that’s possible from what I knew back from 5 years ago, and I can get people there faster, far faster.
But you know what? The number one reason why I won’t sell that program to anyone anymore is that the moral of that was “Gain life to lose weight”. People had this greater EQ and they realize that they were putting themselves in this self-imposed body prison. And suddenly they’re out there gaining life and they’re like, “I’ve got this awesome job, awesome relationship, I’m living life, I’m so happy. And by the way, oh yeah, I didn’t diet but I’ve lost 10 kilos and I wasn’t even trying.” I’m like, “That’s amazing, that’s awesome.” But it’s like a teenager getting their license and being given a Super V8 sports car that’s like worth $100,000.
You’re equipped with this incredible power, you’ve tapped into your inherent power as a woman, as an individual, and now you’re out into the world thinking, “Oh, I don’t have to worry about the weight anymore. Now I just have to gain life.” But now you’re being swayed by all these other different opinions.
This is actually where the real work happens, where you can continue to design the relationship of your dreams, the most expressed health of your dreams. It doesn’t have to be about losing weight, but it can be about vital energy and giving yourself permission to receive more pleasure. “Oh, yes.” And I was just saying how you can think that you’re having good sex, and then you think you’re having good sex. You can keep on redefining your idea of sex. Like, who knew that was possible?
Kylie: There’s a whole other levels there. Whole other levels. It’s very appealing.
Bianca: It’s like just a choice allows you to tune into what could be possible for you, but people go out into the world and let themselves be victims of 1950s housewife kind of ideas. And you were talking about how just going through a little bit of pain in the now, of bucking up against those and saying, “Hang on, sorry, I don’t deserve to be treated like that” or, “Sorry, unqualified opinion.” It’s kind of like creating an investment, it’s going through a delayed… Well, you tell it.
The change comes from within us.
Kylie: It’s a delayed gratification right? It’s a delayed gratification. So often when we’re designing out dream life or making some kind of radical change, the change comes from within us. So the only person that can see that change, that understands what you’re doing and why you’re putting in that work is you or maybe your close inner circle that’s along the journey and supporting you.
This goes for anything like building a business, losing weight, starting a family, finding a relationship, leaving a relationship, whatever it is, it’s only you that has that vision that knows what’s going on. Other people don’t know. They only see the outside extremities of what’s out there in the world, like what body you’re in now, what bank balance you have now. They don’t see the vision that you’re working towards. And so they’re giving you advice, maybe well-meaning, maybe caring advice, but they don’t have the whole picture; they’re only giving you advice based on what they can see that’s tangible in the 3D.
And that stuff that’s tangible is the stuff that your vision is taking you away from, it’s taking you towards something better. But they can’t see that. They can only see the work you’re putting in or the sacrifices that you’re making in order to create that dream life. But instead of thinking about it as work or sacrifices, I like to think about it as investing in your future.
Bianca: This is reminding of a conversation I was having with a dear friend who realized that everything was at a standstill in her business, in her life, but she had created a better future for herself. She definitely was living the result of investment in herself, but then she was like, “You know what, B, I’m kind of just in this point where I just don’t want to pay for support anymore. I feel like I paid enough, I should just be able to get support.” And then also in the same conversation she said, The ladies in my business, they don’t want to pay for extra support, because they think they know all the answers.”
One reason why she didn’t want to invest in any support was because she thinks she knows all the answers, and it was mirroring to her in her clients, but she was afraid of looking there. She was afraid of beating herself up or stabbing herself in the heart with her perceived mistake. And that’s I think the real call to action that we want to put out there for all our listeners, everybody who’s been in our vicinity, in our gravitational pull, is that there is a hidden call.
I love it that you were saying that when you realize the intangible is calling to you… And it’s been really exciting because we had been going to where mindset goes beyond to the next frontier of magic, of the intangible, the infinite divine potential of what your life and expression of you in this life can be. And just to hear people just cutting themselves off from believing in the negative thoughts and not having the bravery to step outside of that.
When you think about the people who could go on this journey with us to help them design their dream life and they’re in that little bit of a stuck point, what do you think about that?
It happens by design. It happens with a decision.
Kylie: Well, I think that a lot of people think that… Some people maybe listening might look at you or I and go, “It’s so easy for them. They run their own business and they’ve already lost weight and they’ve got husbands and kids and they’re managing it all and they’ve got all of this stuff,” and it feels like it’s so far away, it’s so far removed from where you might be starting out.
The interesting thing is you don’t get to live a beautiful life by design that we have designed. Yeah, we get to live an amazing life where we can travel around and we can run beautiful events and we get to hang out like… This is us working. We’re just talking with each other. I’m talking with my bestie for work, and I’m getting to serve you guys and deliver meaningful information that’s going to potentially transform your life – that’s our work. And that didn’t happen by accident.
An amazing life does not happen by accident, it happens by design. It happens by someone making decision to say, “Hey, I have a vision for how I want my life to be, and I’m willing to invest time, energy, effort into doing that.”
I have been investing for 15 years in personal development, in business mentors, in coaching, in trainings, in certifications, in travelling to learn and continually growing my business. It’s a constant investment. And in order to do that, I forego other things. Like I don’t spend a fortune on makeup and clothes or — I don’t know what other people spend money on — soft drink or shoes or… I don’t know. Whatever you’re spending money on, it doesn’t matter, but I spend the majority of my money on this, on growth.
And that’s how we get to live an amazing life. That’s how growth happens, is by investing time and energy into growth. It happens by design, it happens with a decision.
Impostor syndrome doesn’t discern.
Bianca: The thing that says you cannot invest in yourself is the same thought that’s why you must invest in yourself. And if I had’ve had the opportunity to say to this dear friend, “Hey, you know how those children that you’re bringing to the world that you would do anything for? And it’s also the reason why you say can’t invest this time, effort, money into yourself? It’s like you’ve just given them some love on a platter and snatched it away from them. It’s like you are robbing from your children that you are trying to love so much because you are robbing from yourself. You are robbing them and you of the beautiful mother, wife, friend, partner, lover, business owner, employee, leader, mentor. You are robbing yourself of your shining, of your brilliant shining.”
Impostor syndrome doesn’t discern. Like I was saying before that I thought that it was just me being a big quadzilla that just felt bad about myself. I realized that slim, beautiful, blonde Barbie girls also feel like this. I realized that super competent health coaches who are amazing leaders for their clients, who are beautiful and attractive and smart and talented, are still the circumstances of the projection of this idea that “I’m not enough and I’m not in charge of my reality” and asking for permission: Am I allowed to do what I want? Am I allowed to create my own meanings of what’s important?
As you can tell, we’re both very, very passionate about helping women wake up to their womanhood, but one of the key things that my growth has happened to this point is that I will no longer be the forceful rescuer.
This is really the new frequency of our business, is that, hey, if you hear what we’re saying, if it gives you some goosebumps, if you’re listening to it and it makes the hair on your neck stand up and you’re like, “Is it possible?”
Kylie: “Is she talking to me? Oh my god, I think she’s talking to me.” Yes, we’re talking to you!
Bianca: Yes, my darling. Yes, it’s you! So it’s only about giving yourself permission.
The details and the logistics of the Design Your Dream Life 7-Week Online Program are things that will help you build an entire life, an amazing life by your own design, and it will give you the tools to keep on coming back to it. It’s like it will be your library.
We’ve also put in 12 months of support because that 7-week intensive is what will radically shift your mindset, and from there you’re going to plant the seeds of greatness, and then for the rest of the year you get to keep on deciding how you want to landscape your life.
So whilst it’s going to be radical change on the front end, we also stick around and help you for the long term.
Radical change doesn’t have come at the cost of something else.
Kylie: I think that’s the cool thing. And I think what’s so awesome about us partnering up, B, is that we’ve been able to come up with a model that means that radical change doesn’t have come at the cost of something else. Like if you’re thinking about “Oh, it’s radical change. It means I must change everything.” No, it doesn’t. Oftentimes it means you have to add more pleasure, more presence, more power into your life in really simply ways that are very leveraged.
It’s old school, using a lever you change one tiny little thing, but we’re using that leverage to create massive results from it. Yes, there is a constant updating of that work. It never actually ends. We’re constantly continuing to design our dream lives, but you can make a really positive change in a small way that will have a big effect from where you are right now.
You might not be jumping to suddenly having a multi-million dollar online business if you’re a stay at home mum that doesn’t have a business, you’re not going to instantly do that, but you can make small changes that will have a huge effect on your confidence, your relationship, your relationship with your kids, and your ability to then believe in your worth so that you can earn money and build your prosperity in new and exciting ways.
That’s cool. It’s like start where you are, take the next step. Building your dream life happens a little bit by design and it continues to happen little step, little step, little step, little step.
Feminine Power Diagnostic
Bianca: If you are feeling activated and you want to step up to the call then you can just apply for a quick 15- minute chat with me – and that’s really just about finding out if it’s a match for you.
If we feel like you’re at a place that you can step into a higher version of you, a higher reality of you. If you’re at a crisis or a chaos point where it’s like you’re just in survival mode, it’s not going to feel right. There’s going to be some basic things that we can help direct your attention to, but it’s like getting a personal trainer for your mind. If you believe that that’s the level that you’re at and you deserve that then we can talk, we can definitely help you hold up that mirror for you and show you what can be possible for you when become the leader for yourself.
It’s not us up on stage preaching saying, “This is how you do it, the Bianca and Kylie way.” No, this is the new paradigm of magnetic feminine leadership, helping you understand how to access your personal power without it coming at the sake of your presence that you invest in your life and the pleasure that you receive.
Your voice matters and your dreams matter – and it’s important for you to honor them.
Kylie: What we’re doing here is a part of the change that you might be already feeling that’s happening around the globe right now, the rising of feminine consciousness. There’s a lot of amazing heroines in movies like Katniss Everdeen and incredible things that are happening across the planet, the Me Too movement. There’s so many amazing women that are rising up, and you can be a part of it.
Your voice matters and your dreams matter, and it’s important for you to honor them because this yearning that you’re feeling inside yourself to do things differently and to collaborate and to feel that sisterhood and to be respected and honored and have your heart and soul respected and honored, that matters. And it’s simply a choice. It’s a choice of saying yes to yourself, and we’d love to help you – because we’ve got so many great ways that help, that make a difference.
Bianca: Listen, I’m going to direct you guys to go to mymindcoach.com.au/potential. I’m going to give you a little bit more of what we’ve spoken about so you can feel into that and see if you’re one of our tribe. And then you can apply for one of these chats with me where we really help you understand whether or not it’s just been a contraction in your life that you’ve been believing as truth, or whether you really are at this precipice of change and about to give yourself permission to step into your potential and all you need is a collaborative space and some cheerleaders on the side going, “You can, yes! It’s just a choice.”
Kylie: “You can do it!” And some killer strategies as well, a leverage.
Bianca: Yeah, absolutely. It’s about unlocking your feminine power by accessing more presence and pleasure in your life. And if that sounds good, check it out.