“Help! My partner is not conscious enough!”

“Help! My partner is not conscious enough!”

For all the awakened women who are in a relationship with a man who you think is not “woke”, and you are struggling with it, I have some thoughts that may help.

If you’re showing up to the relationship with…

– Resentment
– Loss of desire
– Judgement
– Anxiety about the future of the relationship
– Being attracted elsewhere…

…and he’s a GOOD, KIND man who cares for you,
who you love…

There’s something in this video for you. <3

It’s a different conversation if the relationship is abusive.
(This can TOTALLY can apply the other way around, and in other gender dynamic relationships too. Just speaking plainly from my truth.)


Hello, ladies who have been on a spiritual awakening journey and are now feeling like your partner is not spiritual enough, not conscious enough for you, and you’re worried that you might have to end the relationship because he can’t rise up in consciousness with you and he’s not awake enough for you.

Listen up, my darlings, I’ve got some news for you to help you unpack what’s going on for you, that may just save your relationship.

If you’re in a relationship with a really good man who’s just not conscious and doesn’t talk the spiritual lingo that you talk, who isn’t interested in the spiritual things that you’re interested in, and you’re worried about the emotional connection that you have, and not being able to rise up together in your consciousness together, I can help.

I’ve been through this myself.

Just to give you a bit of background, my name’s Kylie Ryan, I’m a mindset coach and consciousness trainer. I train NLP, I’ve been doing this for 15 years, so I know mindset. I know people on a spiritual journey. I’ve been married for nine years now and in a long-term relationship with my husband for 15 years. We have two children, a seven-year-old girl and a four and a half year-old boy.

So I know what it’s like to be in a long-term, monogamous, married relationship, and to be a spiritual person.

When I met my partner, I was the person that had the “magic happens” stickers on the bumper of my car, so I’ve always been magical as AF, right?

When we were on holidays in Thailand long before we got married, I thought it was so funny that my partner was reading The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins, which is like super scientific, and I was reading Conversations With God. We were sitting side by side at a resort, I’m reading Conversations With God and he’s reading The God Delusion.

I live with a very skeptical, normal, beautiful, loving man, who is not interested in spiritual stuff at all.

We have an amazing marriage and amazing connection – but I went through the stage of thinking, as I started to wake up, “Oh my God!!! Is this right? Am I in the right relationship? Because he doesn’t get me on this level, and I don’t understand if this is right or not.”

So I know what that problem is like, and I see it as well in my clients and my friends when they start to wake up and they start to feel this kind of separation because they’re rising up in their energy and their consciousness, and they feel like they’re leaving their partner behind.

Some of the problems that show up at this stage are: you start feeling resentful of your partner, you start getting worried about the future of the relationship, you start getting anxiety about is this the right thing or not, you start looking at Instagram things about twin flames and soul connections and this type of thing and wondering or worrying if this person is your twin flame and if you’re supposed to be together for your ascension, growth, spiritual path.

It’s very traumatic, it feels super real, it’s highly stressful and very upsetting, especially when you love and care for a person and you’re like, “Oh, are we supposed to be together?” Freaking out.

And then you might start to look at other people that you see either online or around and they have a conscious relationship and they’re talking about all their feelings all the time, or maybe they’re in an open relationship, or they’ve got a conscious man that they can have these conscious conversations with and be very open about their feelings and what have you.

So you think that that’s the type of relationship that you want and you start to go, “Ooh, maybe I need to be with a conscious man or a conscious person.”

Gender dynamics aside, I’m talking about this in a normal man -woman heterosexual relationship.

I mean, that’s what I know, that’s my experience. However, this dynamic can occur in gay relationships or non-gender, binary relationships as well, absolutely. I’m just gonna speak from my experience. Please translate to your gender association if you choose to.

Here’s what’s going on here…

When you start waking up, you get this kind of sense of spirituality and all these new terms that you have never kind of experienced before, and it feels like your soul goes, “Oh my God, this is so amazing! I finally feel seen and heard and validated, this is incredible,” and you feel so awake and enlivened by that, and so seen, and understood by that community and that level of consciousness.

That’s awesome, but what can happen here is your ego can get a hold of that concept and start playing these superior-inferior games. So if you’re the type of person that is on this kind of ascending pathway, then you feel like spirituality is more important than the mundane everyday life, and you start thinking that your partner is not conscious enough for you because they don’t talk that same lingo.

So it’s spiritualized ego. You think you’re super spiritual, but actually, you’re a spiritual toddler, and you’re playing games of superior-inferior. You think you’re superior because you’re so awake and you’re so conscious, and you’re unconsciously judging your partner to be inferior, because they’re not awake enough.

What’s happening is you’re diminishing the importance of the real world, of the 3D stuff, of paying the bills, and paying the mortgage, and taking out the garbage, in favor of yogic retreats, and crystals, and mala beads, and conscious conversations, and ayahuasca journeys. And that is important too.

But when you overemphasize the importance of that stuff and diminish the importance of the everyday life, then that’s what’s actually showing up in your relationship as this tension. It’s the tension between the material world and the spiritual world, this separation of the material world from the spiritual world.

Your ego goes, “My partner’s not spiritual enough for me. I need to be with a more spiritual partner because he’s too mundane for me.”

So what if we take this spiritual approach here and go, “Okay, everything is a mirror. What I see outside of me is a correspondence of what’s happening inside of me – and what I see in someone else as a problem is something that I’m also partaking in. It’s a co-creation.”

You think – and you’re getting resentful and upset – that he’s not seeing you and what you need, and he’s not honoring your needs and respecting your beliefs by maybe making fun of the spiritual stuff that you’re into, or not wanting to go onto yoga retreats with you or whatever.

You think he’s not seeing you and what you need, so how are you not seeing him and his brilliance and what he needs? How are you not respecting his model of the world and what he needs? How are you not respecting that?

If that’s a correspondence, he’s not seeing you, you’re not seeing him, you’re not meeting in the middle, and so instead you’re butting heads and coming up with resentment.

When that happens, it’s very likely that you will create some kind of idealized fantasy of some other kind of relationship where you idealize that everything’s going to be perfect and you’re not going to have the same issues and struggles that you have in this relationship.

And so that could draw you away as well and go, “Maybe I need to be with this other person that seems so conscious, and he has a man-bun, and he’s talking about spirituality and whatever.”

Okay, cool. That can be a thing, right?

But if you leave a good person, if you leave a good relationship to go chasing this fantasy of a conscious relationship, you’re missing the point – because you still have a separation of spirit and matter.

Everything is Spirit.

As you develop your maturity of spirituality – and God knows I’m not there yet, but I’ve just been through this stage so I can share what I’ve learned from this stage – what you learn as you start to mature in your spirituality is realizing that everything is Spirit.

This is Spirit. This is Spirit. This is Spirit. Your washing up is Spirit. Your mortgage is Spirit. Your house is Spirit. Your car is Spirit. Your shoes are Spirit. Everything is Spirit.

And so when you start to see, “Oh, okay, if everything is Spirit and Spirit makes up everything, then even the washing up can be a sacred act. Even sweeping the floor can be a sacred act.”

When you really land in the maturity of your spirituality, you realize that you don’t have to leave your life to go and be spiritual. You bring the spirituality into your everyday life. Your everyday life becomes your spiritual practice.

Making lunch for my kids is my spiritual practice. Walking them to school is my spiritual practice. Cleaning up the house after they’ve come through like a tornado is my spiritual practice.

I’m a mum, I’m a spiritual teacher, I’m an NLP coach, I’m in a loving relationship with an amazing man – and my realization came in my relationship was when I realized that it was my spiritualized ego that was diminishing and placing judgements on my partner that were really unfair.

And so then I was like, “Oh, okay, so what if we’re just talking a different language here? What if he’s talking the 3D language of the everyday life – and that’s his mastery – and I’m talking the spiritualized terms of consciousness, and meditation, and yoga, and ascension?”

We’re just talking different languages.

When I realized that, I started to see in my partner his spirituality that comes out in everyday life. His amazing attention to detail, how he sands our outdoor table and lovingly makes sure that it is in a really good condition and looks after it so carefully. How he nurtures our plants in our backyard, how he goes surfing whenever he can, and like dolphins come up and swim beside him.

When I started to see that his spirituality was in connection with nature, and in his loving attention and care for us and our family, then I stopped that completely, absolutely, crazy idea that he wasn’t spiritual – and I was able to honor him for his truth, and also ask, and really powerfully request that he honor mine as well.

So now I don’t have to hide my magical ankh because he knows that I’m a spiritual person – and I respect his spirituality, which is science, and he respects my spirituality, which is crystals and ascension and meditation retreats.

We have this mutual respect and understanding that even though we have differing perspectives and different languages around this, that we can still love each other and love each other’s differences as much as our similarities, and we have a shared vision of raising our children together and loving our children, and having this sacred container of our marriage, and respecting the sacred container of our marriage.

You can love someone even if they have differing beliefs than you.

When you realize that everything is spirit, you can drop the spiritualized ego and come home to the realization that you can love someone even if they have differing beliefs than you.

When I realized and it dropped into place that my husband’s surfing was his spiritual practice, I was like, “Ah, of course.” And his listening to audiobooks was his growth. He doesn’t need to go on retreats. He doesn’t need to read the same books that I’m into. That we both bring unique differences into our relationship.

If we were exactly the same, one of us would be redundant.

John Demartini talks about this, of like, you will often have opposite values to your partner, to your long-term life partner, because it makes economic sense.

The things that are important to me are less important to you, so I can delegate the things that are less important to me to you.

If mowing the lawn is less important to me but it’s more important to you, then that’s great. It’s important to you, it’s not important to me. You can do that, and I can do the other things that aren’t important to you.

So often there is this values crossover where things that are important to me will be less important you you, things that are important to you will be less important to me.

When you respect and honor and cherish that, cherish that difference, instead of seeing it as a reason that you need to separate, then you can start to really nurture and invest in the sacred container of your long-term divine union. And you start to see the connection and create the connection between Spirit and matter internally, which then shows up in your external relationship.

You start to become more, “Oh, okay, so if I can bring my inner masculine and my inner feminine together, my inner matter and Spirit together, and I can get a bit better at looking after the matter stuff and ironing the shirts and sweeping the floor, then he has more time and space to think about the more existential things or think about the more abstract concepts, because I’m not just delegating all of the everyday life stuff to my partner.”

So here’s the action steps…

If this has resonated with you, what really helped me when I was going through this stage of realization was listening to Caroline Myss’s Energy Anatomy and Advanced Energy Anatomy on Audible, where she talks about the archetypes of the victim, the child, the prostitute and the saboteur, which is super important.

Just to give you a quick rundown, the child is the part that feels like things aren’t fair and things just need to be idealized and perfect and fantasy. It also has the wonder and innocence.

The victim is the part that feels powerless to do things and needs to grow in their strength and autonomy.

The prostitute is the one that will sacrifice their soul’s truth for material security. The prostitute is not just about sex for money, it’s about my soul and my essence for security. Where are you compromising yourself for security?

And the saboteur, this is what’s showing up here in the spiritualized ego. The saboteur is the part that is showing you all the ways that it could go wrong to slow down your growth. The saboteur slows down your growth to a pace of change that feels comfortable to you.

Now I’m not saying that every single relationship needs to stay together in this instance.

What I found was really useful, especially as I have children and I want to look after my children within the container of marriage, was that getting through this little head thing around this spiritual ego was really important to be able to meet my partner heart to heart.

Get to know your love languages.

Get to know what your partner’s love language is. Get to know what your love language is. Give yourself the time and the respect to nurture your differences so that you can come back together and bring together your uniqueness together.

And if you are past the limerence, like early magnetism stage of your relationship, which chances are you are if you’re in this stage, then the chances are that you’ve fallen into some patterns – and maybe you have kids and you’re exhausted.

What I did after reading Stealing Fire was connecting sex and spirituality, which all of my tantric friends will be like, “Err, of course.”

Sex and spirituality.

Sex is spiritual practice. Because a lot of times when you’re in that stage where you’re feeling resentful and frustrated and stressed, you pull away from your partner, and you don’t wanna have sex, and you’re not feeling juicy around them. And you don’t wanna get into it, or maybe you’re exhausted and so you feel like you’re too tired or whatever.

So I gave myself a 10-day spiritual sex challenge – just to have sex 10 days in a row, regardless of how tired I was, regardless of how I felt, I was like, “That’s it, we’re having sex.” And I tell you what, that totally reset our relationship.

Being able to commit to intimacy as an act of devotion for our union rather than something that I had to do, and really bringing all of my spirituality into that encounter, even though he wasn’t on the spiritual side, the intimacy that that brought was amazing.

Even if you’re not feeling like it, get out the coconut oil, just commit to it – because it’s the indecision that leads to the awkwardness around moving into sex when you’re in a long-term relationship.

It’s up to the woman to commit to the intimacy. Men will have the intimacy after sex. Women will have the intimacy before sex.

As you start to honor them, they will start to honor you.

So what are you focusing on?

Allow yourself to start to focus on and honor and cherish your partner for what they bring to the relationship, and their model of the world, and their way of looking at things. And as you start to honor them, they will start to honor you.

As you start to connect and honor the matter and the things in the everyday life and bringing Spirit into the everyday life, then so will your partner. They will start to rise up as you start to allow yourself to ground into the everyday life. And it might just save your relationship.

I hope that’s been helpful.

If you feel like you need some more support with this then message me – because, as I’ve said, I’ve been through this myself, and I’d love to support you if you need some personal one-on-one support around moving through this stage of your relationship together if you’d like to continue to move forward in your relationship.

Hope that’s helped. Honor yourself, honor your partner. You don’t need to be the same to be in love.

Lots of love,

Kylie x

Comments (3)

  1. This is an awesome article! Thanks!! I’ve been thinking about this since I‘ve met a man one month before I left Australia in 2019.. we have the same moon sign so our love language is the same.. which made things felt so so magical. He’s not 120% rational but he’s not into spirituality. There’s a chance for us to meet in the future and try it but I don’t really know. The first thing I thought was “He’s kind, he has a beautiful heart, he helps people, love and help animals” so that what counts right? But then.. If a person is not awakened they probably don’t even love you… they are the way they are because they are filling a void with you or “need” you for being comfortable, social acceptance, not growing old alone.. they don’t give because they are full. Mostly they give because they lack. And I have been there, and 3 years after my awakening I’m still not sure if I’m an unconditional lover either. But I know how is to “need” a partner because I’ve been there 10 years ago, and that’s what 98% people in earth call and practice as love.

    I will struggle if I see him suffer or stress too much and to know that he could do way much better in life if he meditate for example. Or that yoga could save him from his back pain.. and he trying to survive without trying it.

    We have the same values, we enjoy conversations, amazing sex, everything.. but that’s something I’m not really sure and I’m not talking from any spiritual ego (which I think is something you play in the beginning of the awakening process).

    What do you think? Thanks!!

  2. Thank you so much for sharing this amazing insight! So often it is easy to get caught up in separation when in truth the spiritual path is meant to bring us together – sending you love fellow traveler. Xx

    • Thanks Christina. It’s such a journey isnt it!

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