The quality of your life is determined by the quality of your questions – Dr John Demartini
When we ask powerful, useful questions, our energy flows in a way that serves us, however when we ask un-useful questions, our energy flows to a point of stuckness, excuses, and stories of blame and helplessness.
Why is such a powerful question, however there are times when why is a very useful question to help you move forward and times when it only drives you into the ground.
Simon Sinek was right, starting with WHY is an excellent question and process, when you are focused on something that you are moving TOWARD and wanting to achieve in the FUTURE. Asking yourself why in this instance gets to the heart of your purpose and values, and creates motivation, inspiration and drive. If you haven’t seen Sinek’s TED talk I highly recommend it.
However when you are assessing negative behaviour that you have done or a result that you created in the PAST, asking why is not a very useful question at all. When you ask “Why did I do that?” about a negative behaviour often you can’t answer it rationally because the driving force that created that action was unconscious. No-one would ever consciously or rationally choose to sabotage themselves or get a negative outcome. In these cases the driving force is always in our unconscious mind. Asking the why question in this instance only activates excuses, rationalisation and blame, it rarely creates responsibility and choice. Asking why in this instance is often completely useless, and often even counter-productive, as it creates further failure thinking that stops you from moving forward powerfully and learning from your actions.
Remember this with your children also, asking them “why did you hit your sister?” “Why did you draw on the wall?” will not help them to stop it because they probably don’t know and cannot articulate it any better than you can. Most of the time it is not a malicious behaviour, but instead a reaction to very complex emotions, random impulses and confusion. Instead ask the what questions, and notice how you and your child will be calmer and more focused on a positive future choice.
Instead when you do a behaviour that you would like to stop ask yourself the WHAT question instead.
Asking the what question help you stay specific to the facts and stop yourself from blowing the event out of proportion. Asking what I was feeling and telling myself will help you to track back to the unconscious drivers that most likely created the result. Asking about your CHOICE helps to remind you that you were in charge of your choices and you had power and influence in the situation through your choices. Then asking what did I learn and what could I do differently pivots the focus to the future, so that you gather up the wisdom and learning and make a connection with a proactive positive choice for the next time a similar situation occurs.
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“Before I signed up with Kylie I had a busy PT business… I was exhausted and on the brink of burnout and no matter how hard I tried, I had reached a ceiling in my income that I just couldn’t break through. After completing my NLP Coaching certification, I found my true voice and the energy of my business has been completely transformed. I’ve created an online program, up-levelled my entire business and totally smashed my previous income goals. I make decisions more confidently and I can help my clients create change in their life even faster. On a personal level, NLP gave me the inner strength to leave a toxic situation and rebuild myself which lead to me discovering the love of my life! Today I am living the life that I’ve always wanted – but just hadn’t been able to put into words. I have never been this happy or this powerful. If you want to manifest the life of your dreams I would not hesitate to reach out for help from Kylie.”
I signed up with Kylie because I knew that to have a bigger effect as a PT I needed to improve my understanding of how the mind works. Through NLP Coach training I now have great coaching techniques that break through all sorts of negative behaviour patterns. I’ve noticed big improvements in all areas of my life including my own personal finances and my client retention. This has allowed me new freedom to work on scaling my business and helping even more people with less one on one time from myself. The coach training has given me the ability to fully unlock the power of your mindset and those that don’t have this skill are only tapping into a small amount of their potential.
This morning I had a kick-ass coaching session with Kylie Ryan. We’ve been working together for a couple of months, and she’s the perfect person to help me integrate the rapid transformations I go through regularly. I’d been getting this vision of my fully mature creative and entrepreneurial self. His discipline, commitment, and command of wealth was 10x what mine is now, but it wasn’t really about money for him. Our coaching sessions usually roll with me saying, “Kylie, I want to be, do, and have EVERYTHING” and Kylie helping me find the archetypes and parts that aren’t integrated and bringing them together. MAGICK HAPPENS EVERY TIME.