Paula’s Journey – The FOG has lifted!!

Paula’s Journey – The FOG has lifted!!

Yesterday the sun was shining.
Yesterday the sun was shining and I was able to see it for the first time in what feels like years.

A few of you may have noticed somewhat of a wall of silence from me for a few weeks and I just can’t imagine what your life must have been like without my witty repartee to get you through the tough holiday season.

My reasons for going AWOL are not, as some may believe, because I was practicing for the mince pie eating championships (although I did come second in that to somebody called ‘S. Claus’).

Actually I was being a very brave little girl and going through a double whammy of coming off my anti-depressants and going cold turkey on diet coke.

Although I am glad to be off the anti-depressants now I am more than grateful for the comfort they provided me whilst going through a truly awful period in my life. They were my security blanket and the main reason I was able to get out of bed in the morning.

A few people have commented to me that if they work so well then why ‘be in such a rush’ to get off of them? Well, I don’t necessarily consider a year and a half a small amount of time to be on them but most importantly, and as I spoke about in one of my first blog posts here, there is a vast difference between existing and living. I was existing, when, in actual fact, I wanted to be living.

As I began to work through the Goddess Body Quest it quickly became apparent that this was going to be a lot harder than I had ever imagined, and even when Kylie had the opportunity to pin me down for the day at the Gold Coast event I really struggled to answer some of the questions being asked of me.


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One thing that I did make a decision about on that day was that I was not content to live in the comfortable fog that my ‘happy pills’ had come to provide me with. Because, although there was comfort, there really was no life. There was no joy. Nothing gave me true pleasure and I never woke up excited for the day ahead.
I even got to the point where seeing positivity and progress from others was really beginning to piss me off and make me feel uncomfortable as it all just seemed so fake. I was just unable to understand those emotions.

How was I supposed to set truly compelling goals and know what makes me happy when I couldn’t attach emotion to them?

In short, I couldn’t.

The actual process of getting off the drugs was done over a period of about 10-12 weeks and I’m not going to lie, it was brutal. Head zapps, nausea, mood swings, severe anxiety, panic attacks… the whole lot. But little by little I noticed my mood pick up and last week I was finally able to say I was free of my ‘happy pills’.

Ironically, my ‘happy pills’ had, in the long run, made me sad.

To win a spot on the Goddess Body Quest I wrote about how much I needed/wanted this to save my life and how desperate I was to make these changes. All words I still stand by. However, it was only in the last week that I felt driven, excited and ‘fit to burst’ about what I can now achieve through the GBQ and what I am capable of. In short, I was faking it till I made it.

So, where am I up to in my quest? I’m starting from the beginning again with a clear head and an open heart.
As I never like to do things by half I thought ‘in for a penny, in for a pound’ and decided that it was time to give up the crack cocaine of the soda world – Diet Coke.
I had been doing some research into Aspartame Toxicity and from everything I had found was pretty certain I was a prime candidate. Well, lo and behold, within 24 hours of shelving the evil dark bubbles I had lost all my cravings for the fatty, sugary escapism that had held me captive for over a decade. I did manage to acquire a 5 day headache during the detox but we won’t mention that.

I hope I have given you some food for though this week and you will be reading a lot more about my progress in the weeks to come. New year, new me.

And in closing I just wanted to leave you with a poem.
As some of you already know, my business name is ‘Phoenix Training’ as the Phoenix is reborn and rises from the ashes. Very prophetic words for me, and many of you reading this right now:


Rising from the ashes, you spread your wings to fly
Reaching now for those final dreams, belief will never die
Beautiful and so glorious, the eternal bird of fire
Soaring up into the sun, leaving behind the pyre
Dreams are now your destiny; reach with all your might
You’re a powerful inferno, ablaze and in full flight
Yesterday is over, today has just begun
The sky is now your playground your home is now the sun
Destiny is in your grasp, forget the doubts and fears
Your flame will burn eternally for all remaining years
There will be times of doubt, and moments of pure sorrow
But one thing that is ever true, you’re the angel of tomorrow


x Phoenix Russell

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