Reclaiming Power: Responsibility vs Blame in Coaching

There’s a model of ten quoted in coaching circles around responsibility.

Above the line, below the line. It comes from The Oz Principle (published 1994)

Taking responsibility is “above the line” behaviour, that faces reality, takes ownership of the issue and the power to change it, and takes action.

Blaming is “below the line” behaviour where you blame others, make excuses, deny or ignore the problem and wait for other people to change or take action.

Accountability is key to both organisational and individual success. However what do you do when one party refuses to act honourably and take accountability for their part? You take responsibility for your part anyway.

1. You name the issue clearly and with specifics, contrasting promises and deliverables.

2. You give the other party the opportunity to meet you in making amends and moving forward.

3. If there is no willingness to engage with good faith, you set boundaries, take other avenues if goods or services were misrepresented and minimise contact.

4. Then, you reflect on what below the line emotions may have been present in yourself throughout the interaction so you can learn from it and not repeat it.

I have been working with this model and integrating it with David Hawkins Levels of consciousness, and the Drama Triangle model to track relational dynamics..

You can probably see the connection clearly as it’s laid out in the image below…

When you’re in Blame, or Effect, you will be feeling the emotions below 200, pride, anger, desire, fear, grief, apathy, guilt, shame. And operating through Drama Triangle dynamics.

A lot of traditional sales and marketing advice is to push on pain points (shame, guilt, apathy, grief, fear) incite desire through holding up ego-based potential visions, and then push on fear via scarcity.

Is it any wonder that when coaches that use these tactics without acceptance, love, empathy or balance often end up in situations where they resent their clients?

When you draw people in on the claim that your offer, or system is going to RESCUE them from their problems, then it sets up a dynamic where the client is the VICTIM. Then the only place for them and you to go is to become the AGGRESSOR to each other…

Unless there are very specific onboarding protocols to re-set the dynamic and engage courage and ownership of self and results. Then drama dynamics will ensue.

No matter how great the success system or process may be. No-one can change their reality while operating from a Victim archetype. Definitionally a victim places power outside themselves.

The bitter pill is always the question… How did I get myself into this situation? How did I CO-CREATE this dynamic? Having the courage to face these questions *without self-blame* but instead wth curiosity will yield massive shifts. This is not about letting the other person off the hook if they did the wrong thing, but instead not letting that issue leach any more of your peace or power.

When you claim back your power via taking responsibility you will be much better off no matter what the other person does or does not do. So reflect on these *even if* the other person was not taking their responsibility.

• What red-flags did I ignore?
• Did I read all the clauses of the contracts?
• Did I listen to my gut?
• Was I hoping for a miracle here?
• Where did I give away my power?
• Where did I not take full responsibility for my results?
• Where was I hoping to be rescued?
• What can I learn so I don’t repeat this?

The challenge in the coaching industry is the issue I have spoken about for years. The interplay between business people running coaching businesses, and coaches learning how to run a business.

This is the difference between people operating primarily from red, orange, yellow in Spiral Dynamics (ME values: Power, Success and Systems)… in contrast to people operating from purple, blue, green. (WE values: Tribe, Order, Community) The challenge with Money Making offers is that it can be enrolling people from different values systems, which affects how the entire dynamic plays out.

If someone is selling money as success (orange), but the person buying is in survival (beige) then there is a massive mismatch in capacity and desires. One is wanting to move towards more than enough, while the other is wanting to move away from not enough.

It takes both courage and capacity to shift out of scarcity into growth. One might have the courage, but not the capacity. One might have the capacity but not the courage. A good coaching program needs to support both, if operating at this level.

That’s why so many business coaches offer support from 100K onward. It’s much easier to work with someone when they are out of survival, and have their basic living needs met.

SO HOW DO YOU GET OUT OF THE BELOW THE LINE CYCLES AND ACTUALLY SHIFT UP INTO CREATING THE LIFE THAT YOU REALLY WANT?

Well, as counter-intuitive as it may seem. The key to moving up the ladder of consciousness is having the COURAGE to feel whatever you *actually feel* without censoring it or spiritual bypassing it…

If you’re feeling ashamed of some reckless choices, let yourself feel the burn of this painful emotion. Don’t squash it or distract yourself, let the emotion move through your body, fully feel it, and then let it go.

If you feel guilty for wasting money or doing something that you regret, feel it, notice what choice you would make now with hindsight, feel the feels, apologise and make amends where possible, and then let it go.

If you feel the apathy of hopelessness, like you’re “never going to make it”. Feel it. Let yourself wallow in it for as long as your body needs to rest to recover, then let it go.

When you begin grieving for all that you could have done, or been, but didn’t, or it didn’t work out, take note of those desires, and let the tears fall. Release what could have been and let it go.

Then you start to move into fear; What if I never make it? What if I don’t have what it takes? Let all those fears surface and face them. Acknowledge them, face the abyss of what if it never happens? And then keep breathing, recognise what you do have and let the fear go. You have done hard things before, and you will again.

Now the desire starts to kick in, wanting more, being disappointed in yourself and the world that it’s not easier or you’re not more supported, or that it’s hard for you because of *insert reason here*

This is where it gets interesting, desire and anger is when the solar plexus starts to kick in. Wanting more, being angry that you don’t already have it. Anger is the first energy that moves you forward, granted it’s spiky, but there’s so much more energy in anger than apathy or grief so this is progress. Then you start to demand more of yourself and feel the pride of ego saying I deserve more than this. So fully feel this too, and then let it go. So many get stuck here in pride, demanding the world owes them something, but never making the leap into courage to do something about it.

When you let go of your pride and humble yourself to actual reality you will find that you have more resources than you noticed. You do have something to offer the world, and you can make a change to your life. You have people rooting for you who love you.

When you hit neutrality it can even out for a while. Sometimes people feel in this place that they have “lost their edge” because the ego drive for constant MORE is no longer a hungry beast. You accept what is. You no longer engage in things you have no control over. You let things go more easily. You feel more peaceful and it is a welcome respite after the washing machine of emotions. Rest here a while. Letting yourself be in this space is healing and recovery for your mind and nervous system.

When your body has recovered you will begin to be willing to engage with your goals and desires again, but now not from a place of lack, but instead a place of ENOUGHNESS. When you already are steeped in peace and acceptance of what is, then the desire to grow comes from expansion instead of scarcity. It emanates from overflow.

You can think and reason with more clarity. You can rise above the patterns and see the dynamics instead of being trapped in them. And from this place you enter the magnetism of embodied leadership. You inspire trust because your people know you have walked the path, and will not judge them for any step in the journey. You begin to be a beacon of possibility and potential for others who are a few steps behind you on their own path.

You start to step into leadership and meaningful visions begin to awaken in your consciousness, you start to operate from the deep knowing that you do create your reality.

From this place you begin to see how you can create something that is deeply meaningful for you and generous in service of others.

Because you know what… You can.

You are the leader you have been waiting for.