How I reconciled my secret shame with my Dad

How I reconciled my secret shame with my Dad

What’s your relationship like with your father?


You may not know that your relationship with your father figure sets the tone for your relationship with “authority” all through your life

And your relationship with authority has a LOT to do with how you eat, what kind of food rules you set for yourself; and whether you rebel against that authority with an all out food binge.

This is my story…

It’s been 20 years since I had a real heart to heart conversation with my Dad. I was his little princess when I was growing up. We were really close, and always understood each other.

I was pretty nerdy at school and my report card always had “conscientious” on it with gold stars, so it broke my Dad’s heart when I went “off the rails” pretty much the minute I finished my HSC as I was introduced to ecstasy pills and going out to all-night rave parties. Just after the time poor Anna Wood died from the very same thing.

I had been “Little Miss Perfect” for too long and I was busting to just be wild and crazy and free…

I always knew that he loved me so much, but we just couldn’t seem to get through the years of emotional baggage and hurt.

Now that I’m a parent I can see it from his perspective, he must have thought I was possessed, and going to kill myself. I can’t imagine the nights of worry I must have caused. He never forgave me, and we had a strained, cursory relationship ever since. He hasn’t met my son yet, and he wasn’t there to walk me down the aisle when I got married in Bali. I always knew that he loved me so much, but we just couldn’t seem to get through the years of emotional baggage and hurt, no matter how much I tried to make amends or how much coaching and healing I did.

I would reach out every year or so to have a phone call, but I never expected anything to change. I had resigned myself to having a strained relationship, but I missed having him in my life.

Only just recently I realised that I was unconsciously modelling what I saw him do with his business with my own. I was managing my business and money the exact way I had seen it growing up. It wasn’t a very healthy pattern. I adore my calling, but my business and money management skills needed a serious upgrade.

I realised that I was unconsciously modelling what I saw him do with his business with my own.

Your masculine energy relates to your ability to create, take action, and build wealth.

So I went within this month to do some very deep inner healing work on my relationship with Masculine energy.

Your masculine energy relates to your ability to create, take action, and build wealth. So after a few days of witnessing my hidden core sadness, regret and shame, deep reflection, a few stints of sobbing in the shower, and being on the client end of a coaching session or two I had a magical breakthrough.

On the other side – a few days before Fathers Day I plucked up the courage to call Dad again. This time without a trace of judgement in my heart. I could finally see how everything I had ever judged my father for, I had done myself in some way, and I was ready to let it go and love it ALL.

The past was finally laid to rest. And I got my father back.

What do you know… He was home alone, and we talked for an hour. He has recently had a miraculous change of mind about certain topics that we used to clash on in the past, and had been doing his own internal “life audit” just as I had.

“Let’s leave the past behind. We both made mistakes. Let’s be here now.” The words I had longed to hear for 20 years. The past was finally laid to rest. And I got my father back. Now we’re going to have the chance to build a relationship with him and my kids before time slips away…

I wouldn’t be who I am today without both my amazing Mum and Dad being exactly who they were. My Mum has always been a powerhouse of strength and support, with an innate gift for healing and teaching. But I would not be doing this work if it weren’t for the strained 20 years that we had, all the emotional turmoil, after I fell from grace through my own choice to lie and rebel.

Now that I have healed my own relationship with my Dad and my inner Masculine, I can see so many possibilities to create more ease and flow in my business and life.

Now that I have healed my own relationship with my Dad and my inner Masculine; I can see so many possibilities to create more ease and flow in my business and life, and support you even more through your own journey back to wholeness in body, mind and spirit.

Harnessing and healing your relationship with your Masculine & Feminine energy is essential to health and wellbeing.

Holding shame and judgement in your heart means that you will be holding extra “weight” somewhere – either as a debt in your body, or bank balance or somewhere else that may show up as an unexplained illness years later.

 

For now I just want to pay tribute to and honour my Dad, who worked harder and more than anyone could be expected to work, who showed us his love through acts of service, to give us the opportunities that he never had.

Kylie

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