I find this really annoying about mothers…
I thought I would jump on here and share with you something that’s been bugging me a little bit lately. And that is, no matter how well-intentioned and well-meaning so many women are, so many mothers of all different ages are, when they see me out in public with my little guy… I might be running after him or I might be sort of juggling a few different things… women often love to lend their support by way of advice – but the advice that I often hear coming back is like, “Oh, don’t be so hard on yourself. Just do whatever works. Be nice to yourself.”
You know, there’s a whole bunch of stuff about not having support of husband, or trying to do everything, or having really high expectations – and it’s actually starting to really bug me. It’s bugging me because there’s this idea that I’m struggling.
I’m like, “Yeah, I might be running after my little guy out the road, but I chose this life.” I didn’t know what I was going to get myself into, but I choose to be in control in my situation. I’m okay with the smorgasbord of challenges, of hardships, of whatever life and motherhood throws my way.
I know that I am the creator of my own reality.
I know that I am the creator of my own reality, I know that I am in control of how I respond to it, so I have quite a high level of emotional resilience. I have a positive mindset. When I don’t have a positive mindset, I let it all out, I say how I’m feeling, I have a cry, I have a rant, and I build a bridge and get the eff over it. So that’s not me struggling.
And that’s the thing. I just flicked on a bit of daytime TV – and I realized there’s this real theme of these shows where they’re helping women just saying how hard they’ve got it because they’ve got to clean the house, and then they’ve got to do this and they’ve got to do that, and the husband doesn’t understand. It’s like, “Dude, ask for some help!!!”
There is this pervading idea that the harder a woman struggles, the more valuable she is as a person. It’s a mother martyrdom. And also, the more resistant that you are to asking for help, saying “I’ll do it all by myself” makes you a better mother.
This is some story that women tell themselves or allow themselves to be told by other chauvinistic ideals.
There is this pervading idea that the harder a woman struggles, the more valuable she is as a person.
I’ve just come home. I go out to breakfast a lot of mornings because I figure for the $20 that I spend on a beautiful organic, fresh breakfast I can think about my business and get in a creative space. They cook it for me, then they clean it up, and I feel awesome. That’s worth $20 to me, big time. And then when I come home I just realized I pay $50 every other week to get my cleaning lady to come in – and she’s amazing! I actually forgot what it was like. I walked in I was like, “Ahhh! So awesome!”
So I could have stayed at home, spent 3 hours making my beautiful breakfast and cleaning it all up and trying to get myself in the right headspace and done all the cleaning, or I could have a paid a little bit of money and ask for some help.
Now, different people have different budgets, I understand that – but all you need to do is start swapping services. Just swap services. Like when you ask for help, you give other women permission to ask for help themselves as well. And there’s this amazing bartering ability that we have before money. So think about what are some skills… like I even know some friends who just swap days, where they say, “Hey, I’ll look after your baby one day, you look after my baby another day.”
When you ask for help, you give other women permission to ask for help themselves as well.
Ask for help. Call yourself on the BS stories that feed mother martyrdom. Don’t allow yourself to think that suffering is a part of motherhood, and don’t let anybody tell you… Isn’t that funny? I’m telling you, “Don’t let other people put their beliefs on you.”
You don’t have to be a self-suffering, self-sacrificing mother. It can be something that you choose to do.
Realize that there’s this place that women love to expand to because we want to help and influence – and there’s this breaking point we push ourselves to because we think it’s going to make us a better person, a better mother, more valuable. And that’s when we go into breakdown, into diffusion; that’s when we’re not any good use for anybody.
So just allow yourself to go to that point of giving but also receiving. Because what’s a gift if nobody actually really receives it?
Allow yourself to go to that point of giving but also receiving.
My grandma was born from the great depression. You give her a present and she’d go, “That’s lovely, darling,” and give it straight back because it was always about waste not, want not.
So ask for help. Call yourself on the BS beliefs that make you think that when you are selfless… when you’re doing it for selfish reasons, you’re not really being selfless anyway.
And it’s funny. One of the ladies listening to one of these videos, she was saying, “Bianca says I need to ask for some help. I’m allowed to ask for some help.” And her husband said, “You don’t have babies so you can’t ask for help.” And I said, “Uhh, excuse me, can you tell your husband that the 1950s called and it wants its chauvinist attitude back. Like, for realz! Who actually is going to accept that stuff? Buh-bye!
So this is really about women owning their value, owning their worth, and realizing when you push yourself out into diffusion, exhaustion, burnout and burn down, you’re no use to anybody.
I create my own reality and I focus on what I want the most.
Just know that sometimes people might say, “Oh, that’s all well and good for you, Bianca, you have a supportive husband” or, “You own your own business.” For whatever reason, someone might say it’s luck. It’s not luck. I create my own reality and I focus on what I want the most. I don’t focus on what I’m struggling with or the negative ramifications of something. There’s plenty of challenges – but I always focus on the positive resolution towards it, this positive expectation.
I know that at any given moment I can choose a thought that’s more empowering, or choose a thought that kicks me in the butt and doesn’t do any help for me at all.
Knowing that you create your own reality and knowing that you’re the one who set this up, you’re not a victim of circumstances, at any given moment even when you’re challenged, you can be supported at the moment at that same time. So why don’t you use that creative space that’s in your womb?
Instead of trying to find misery and support for misery, find how you can give some of that, receive some of that help that you give to everybody else for yourself. And it might just be an incremental upgrade like $50 a month. It might be asking for a swap. It might be just stop beating the drum of your negative thoughts or why things are so hard or why your husband doesn’t understand.
Just realize that you are in complete control of your Universe because of how you respond to it.
You are in complete control of your Universe because of how you respond to it.
Now if this helps you, resonates with you, this is actually what we do. Kylie and I, we help you design your destiny. And it’s so funny… (well, it’s not funny haha) It’s challenging how little practiced so many women are in answering the question. This is the million dollar question that women find so hard to answer: What do you want?
Not what you’re struggling with, not what do you want less of. What do you want?
What do you want?
When you can answer this and start designing your destiny, creating your reality, that is when everything starts falling into a place.
I have a free little mini training where you can even do a little diagnostic as to where you might be leaking your feminine power to those unresourceful belief systems that affect so many women that I’m bucking up against, and telling you that you can actually choose something else.
If you want to check it out, it’s a really cool little 4-video series with a questionnaire in there. It’s mymindcoach.com.au/potential. Just go over there and you can fill out the diagnostic.
If it feels like you need some help, you can even book in for a 15-minute Personal Power Audit – and that’s where I’m going to help you understand where it is that you can pull back all those places that you’re diffusing yourself, bring yourself back into that power center, and from there make decisions and create your own reality.