In this wide ranging interview, Emma and I talk about why so many women are compelled to do more and be more to prove they are enough.
A cracker of a conversation with heaps of great wisdom on how you can become truly weightless by transforming your relationship with yourself.
Emma: Welcome to the Woman On Fire podcast. I am Emma O’Sullivan. In today’s episode, No. 33, I’m speaking with a very special guest. I’m proud to say she’s a colleague, a friend and a mentor of mine. Her name is Kylie Ryan, and for almost a decade she’s been helping hundreds and hundreds of women transform their lives through her business, My Mind Coach.
Her programs support women to hugely successful results in weight loss, confidence, body image. Kylie shows women how to swap self-judgment, shame and embarrassment for self-love and acceptance. You could say that Kylie really helps women to become weightless in more ways than one. Kylie, welcome to the Woman on Fire podcast.
Kylie: Thank you for having me, Emma. It’s awesome to be here!
Emma: It’s absolutely awesome to have you. Now, Kylie, I talked a lot there introducing you about what is at the heart of a lot of the work that you do in terms of looking at how we can swap self-judgment for self-love and acceptance. I’m sure it’s something that is really at the core of what you do when you work with women – and it is with me – this idea that women just feel like they’re never enough, and they always have to do more, and that’s the way that they’re going to be enough. What is it with that? What’s going on for women, do you think, Kylie?
There is a long history for ‘not good enough’ thinking in women.
Kylie: Well, there is a long history for “not good enough” thinking in women. Part of it is like historically programmed and culturally programmed, and then it becomes socially programmed. Little kids are learning at a young age, this type of idea, and it becomes ingrained in their self-image.
A little baby doesn’t feel like it’s not good enough. A little baby is just totally in the moment, totally present, totally innocent. And then there comes a time where maybe when they’re going to school and starting to socialize with other kids and starting to compare themselves with others, this idea that “I’m not good enough” or “so and so is better at this”. This idea of comparing yourself with others is where that kind of idea starts for a kid growing up, and then that can really compound over time.
Even if you think back to thousands and thousands of years ago, women didn’t have jobs and women were basically property of men. We’ve lived in a patriarchal society on Earth for a really long time. And that’s definitely shifting, and it’s shifted a lot since the Second World War and since women started going to work and weren’t just in the home.
There’s a lot of historical reasons why that’s the case. All the way back in history, women were competing over the affections for the marriage of the most powerful man in the town or whatever, because being married to the most powerful men would be security for yourself, security for your children, safety for you. All the way back then, women were comparing themselves on beauty, attractiveness, child-bearing hips, or whatever the desirable skills were of the male gaze.
All the way back then, women were comparing themselves on beauty, attractiveness, child-bearing hips, or whatever the desirable skills were of the male gaze.
This idea of being objectified is a big part of what drives women’s feelings of not being good enough. So this idea of the male gaze or some outsider looking upon us and judging our qualities really goes back to those historical points of women having to compete for the scarce resources of safety and protection of the husband or marrying the most powerful person in the town or whatever.
That’s really kind of embedded in the history of the patriarchy that women didn’t own things, women didn’t vote, women were basically the property of the men. So that’s kind of embedded in our self-assessment. And then, as things have started changing and breaking down in the Second World War when all the men went off to war in Western countries – in the other warring countries as well – historically for us, when all the men went off to work, the women started doing the work in the factories and doing these types of jobs that were typically men’s jobs. And that’s when things started to really shift for women. But it also put a whole bunch more of things on our plate, because traditionally before that the woman was the homemaker and the man was the bread earner.
It sounds totally quaint to us, anyone who’s like under 50 who’s grown up with this kind of empowered mindset of “of course women can work, of course women can do whatever they want to do”. This idea of empowerment is so beautiful that’s come out of that history, but the flip side of that is that feeling that someone still has to take care of the home. And so, many women are juggling working and home-making and kind of splitting the taking care of the home and the children with their partners.
We didn’t give up other things; we just took more onto our plates.
And sometimes it might be a same sex partner or in a gay partnership, so it’s not necessarily a man and woman issue. But this idea that women then, we didn’t give up other things; we just took more onto our plates. Then there’s this extra element of juggling all these different things, of having to go to work.
Typically, in those ‘40s and ‘50s years, the men would go to work and then he’d come home and he wouldn’t do anything. He’d sit on the couch and the wife would have dinner ready and be perfectly pressed and have their hair done, because that was her job, looking after the home. And then he would come home and rest. But now, most families have two working partners, and so both people are out working. Or even if you’re staying at home as a parent, that’s a full-time job in itself.
Everyone gets home and everyone’s exhausted and who’s cooking dinner, right? So it’s like we just piled on more things on our to-do list, and it leads to this feeling that I’ve got to do so many things at once, this multi-tasking thing, which is proven to be like a totally false idea. And this idea that “I’m not doing things good enough because I’m trying to do too many things at once”. There’s just too many things often on our plate and we need to start saying NO.
We need to start saying NO.
There’s two really critical reasons.
The first two reasons why women don’t think they’re good enough is that there’s just too much to do, and they don’t have the focus and the prioritization to be able to do the things that they want to do. So they never feel like they’re actually doing anything well enough.
And then the third factor is of course marketing – beauty marketing and the rise of celebrity culture.
Back before the internet and before TV, the only people that you knew were the people that were kind of in your community, and so you would compare yourself to the people in your community. And most people in your community were probably about the same as you. But now, we’re comparing ourselves on TV to pop stars, supermodels, and billionaire tycoons; Elon Musks, Richard Bransons, prime ministers, and celebrities of varying kinds of depth and quality.
There’s this idea that “Oh, I don’t have Kylie Minogue’s bum” or, “I don’t have Kim Kardashian’s face or eyebrows” or, “I’m not as rich as so and so” or have a nice car like … I don’t know, whoever you’re looking up to.
Many of us subliminally take on these ideas that we’re good enough, because we don’t wake up looking like an airbrushed supermodel in the morning.
We’re starting to compare ourselves with a much wider range. There’s this giant gap then often between what we have and this idea that only one type of beauty is aspirational in our modern society, this kind of Westernized perfect airbrushed flawless look is the ideal. And that’s just not normal. Many of us then subliminally take on these ideas that we’re good enough, because you don’t wake up looking like an airbrushed supermodel in the morning.
There’s these three critical factors or pillars of I’m not good enough-ness that really need to be dismantled for a woman to feel at home in her body and present to her worthiness, abilities, skills and her uniqueness. That’s a bit of a long answer, but yeah.
Emma: That’s fine. I think it needed that link of answering, Kylie, but you say those three pillars need to be dismantled. How aware do you think the average woman is? Because surely this is just like the new normal, right? “New” is a bit of a wrong word, but many women would be feeling that this is normal. How aware do you think women are of what is feeding in for centuries or millennia? How aware do you think people are of this?
Kylie: Probably not aware at all. I think women are aware of the beauty marketing aspect of things and they’re aware of the “I’ve got a lot on my plate” aspect of things, but probably haven’t really thought through the history. I doubt if many people have given as much thought to why this is the case as I have. I’ve spent a long time kind of considering this and studying this type of stuff. Unless you’re an academic in feminism studies or something, it’s unlikely that you would be aware of the factors that really go into this.
We’ve been socially and culturally programmed to believe that we’re not good enough.
A lot of people think that it’s a personal issue that you don’t feel good enough because that’s the truth. So they feel like they won’t feel good enough because they aren’t good enough. But that’s absolutely not the case. They feel like they’re not good enough, because we’ve been socially and culturally programmed to believe that. And that is absolutely untrue.
Doing more is not the answer.
Emma: I think as well, what you said, comparison is a mechanism which exists to make sure that we belong within the tribe and we don’t get cast out. But that used to be when the tribe was a hundred. And then, as you say, the pool within which we’re comparing has become so ridiculously large that it is just not something our brain kind of cope with. The three drivers that you described that really motivate women to feel like they need to do more or be more so they can be good enough are very entrenched, and they’re very strong, and they’ve been around for a very long time. But what I want to know is, does it get us what we want? Does it get us feeling like we’re enough?
Kylie: No. The annoying thing is that we’re running like a mouse on hamster wheel. The more that we do, we just continually push the goal balls out. For 13 years, ever since I’ve been doing this coaching women, it’s this idea that no matter how much they do, it will never be good enough. It’s just constantly raising the bar on themselves and keeping that bar just out of reach. We’re running on this treadmill like donkeys with a carrot stuck out the front and trying to get that carrot. And you’re never going to get the carrot because the whole system is flawed. So doing more is not the answer.
Women have this idea that no matter how much they do, it will never be good enough.
Emma: Yeah. And I’d love to hear what your thoughts are on what the solution this is. We’ll get to that in a sec. But what I kind of want to ask first is… We all have the not good enough story, and if someone had a magic solution, they’d be rich. We’ve all got versions of the not good enough story. But I like achieving things and being productive for various reasons that make me feel good and fulfilled, and it means I can serve the world and that type of thing.
How can you sort of tell what the difference is? How can you tell the difference between wanting to achieve and get things done and be productive, I guess, from a good intention or a wholesome intention between wanting to achieve for reasons that maybe aren’t in your best interests? I’ve learnt – and I’m sure you probably have – how to kind of feel the difference. But if you never felt that before, how can you kind of tell? What do you think is a way that you can start questioning where your motivation is coming from?
“A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself.”
~ Abraham Maslow
Kylie: All the way back from Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, we all have these kinds of base needs to be secure and to be socially accepted, and have enough food and water, and to have things that we like to do and that we’re seen as significant for. We can move up into this sense of self-expression, where we move into wanting to achieve and we want to create and we want to do things.
And Maslow says an artist must create art, a painter must paint, a singer must sing, a writer must write. Those things that are core to your identity that are bursting to get out of you that you would do even if you didn’t get paid for it because they bring you joy and they bring an expression who you are. Those types of things where you’re achieving because you want to create and you want to give back and you want to do something that’s coming out of you, and it’s coming from this sense of creation.
That sense of overflowing from within yourself, that’s a really beautiful thing to really go into that feeling of. And wanting to achieve and finish your work, or finish your project, or create a business success, or do something where that sense of achievement is coming from a desire that is forward-motivated and is coming from a place of “I’m good at this and I want to give to the world”. That sense of really toward motivation versus the idea of “I need to do this so that I am accepted” – it’s an away from motivation.
When you have to force yourself to do it, it might not be the right thing for you to be doing.
“I need to look this way so that people will like me” or, “I need to diet so that I can be skinny” or, “I need to have the house clean so that my husband will be happy” or whatever. This idea of an away from motivation that I’m doing it for someone else’s validation of me – that’s the difference. When you’re doing things for other people’s validation and it feels like you’re lacking until you’ve got that thing done. And it sounds a bit woo-woo, but it feels heavy. You feel resentful and it feels like you have to force yourself to do it.
So when you have to force yourself to do it, it might not be the right thing for you to be doing. That’s slightly different than “Oh, I’ve had a bad sleep last night, and I’ve just got to push through a bit of inertia to get on with the day. But once I’m really into it, I really enjoy it.”
Naturally, there is sometimes a bit of inertia, especially when we have so many balls in the air – and sometimes that switching gears like we talked about before and I’ll go into a bit more detail in a bit. This idea of sometimes I need to push through the inertia just to get going, and once I get going, I enjoy it, and I love it, and I love doing it.
That’s different than having to force yourself the entire way to do something and you’re feeling resentful and it’s feeling heavy, feeling like you’re just struggling to keep up with your life. That’s the difference.
If you’re feeling resentment and guilt, it’s time for you to have a look at what your motivations are.
Emma: A lot of my clients, Kylie – as I’m sure yours might as well – talk about having these feelings of resentment, and it’s often coupled with guilt. And often the temptation is to read that resentment and guilt as a sign that other people are walking all over you, other people are taking you for a ride. That resentment and guilt is a signal of other people are doing things to you. From what you’ve just said there, if you’re feeling resentment and guilt, you could really see that as a really awesome sign that it’s time for you to have a look at what your motivations are. I guess it’s a really great signal for you that you may need to look at what your motivations are for doing things are. So it’s a great message for yourself, is it not?
For what purpose am I doing this?
Kylie: Totally! And it’s that idea of “For what purpose?” Asking yourself that question: For what purpose am I doing this? Am I cleaning the house because I love to live in a clean house and I love to have a tidy house? Or am I cleaning the house because I’m feeling like I won’t match up to Suzy down the street? Or my husband’s or my partner’s going to be mad if I don’t have it clean when he gets home? That type of “Is it something that I’m moving towards and something that naturally brings me joy?”
It can be something as mundane as cleaning the house. I actually get a lot of pleasure out of having a clean house and I don’t always like to be the one that cleans it. But I like having a clean house. If it needs to be done and I need to do it then I’ll do it, because I like having a clean house.
At the moment, to give you an example, our house looks like a bomb’s hit it because there’s building and painting and stuff going on and there’s stuff everywhere. But I don’t feel like I’m less as a person because I don’t have a clean house. I’m just like, “Oh well, this is just a temporary thing.” Do you know what I mean? That’s the difference? “For what purpose am I doing this?” is the question.
Emma: I think what you’re teaching on there is that there are things in life that have to be done, right? There are things in life that have to be done so life runs, but what we need to be asking ourselves is: Is it possible that the things that need to be done so life runs are separate whether you’re not worthy as a person? They just are what they are to make life run.
Your worth is intrinsic because you exist.
Kylie: Yes, this is critical, the separation of achievement and doing things from who you are as person. And that’s the difference between self-worth and self-efficacy and achievement. Your self-worth is inherent. It’s intrinsic in who you are. It doesn’t matter whether you can do things. It doesn’t matter whether you look a certain way or you have a certain car or a certain amount of money in your bank. Your worth is intrinsic because you exist.
I love this idea that when you were born, you were a gorgeous little baby, and when you look at a baby, you don’t think, “Oh well, it can’t look after itself and it can’t pay the bills and it can’t do anything because it’s useless.” And they take up time and they’re snotty and smelly – you know, there’s the downside to babies. But the outside is so enchanting, and what’s so beautiful about a little baby is that they don’t have any of that programming. And so they have this sense of wonder and innocence and aliveness, and we can see that inherently. Anyone with a heart, when they look at a baby, they feel that warmth in their heart and they can understand that that baby is worthy just as it is.
Even if it can’t do anything, it’s worthy just being there. Just being alive and just looking around with beautiful big eyes and goo-ing and ga-ing at the world and whatever that little baby’s doing – just being is enough to be worthy. We love and think that that baby is incredible and amazing and a miracle. And it is.
It’s like, where did you stop feeling that way about yourself? You were a baby like that. When did you stop feeling like you were a miracle just for being alive and that you were worthy just for existing?
When did you stop feeling like you were a miracle just for being alive and that you were worthy just for existing?
Emma: A baby knows how to BE, yeah. And as we get older we take on various identities. And what you were saying before about for better or worse, before women’s emancipation, people were pretty clear about what their identities and their roles were, right? And you said before, you get home at night and that’s like, “Who’s cooking dinner and who’s doing this and who’s doing that?” How do you think women are going in terms of juggling or grappling with the more fluid or more of as well, these different identities that we have? How do you think we go or what sorts of problems do you think we faced kind of being able to switch between or manage them?
Kylie: This is something that came to me a little while ago and it’s this idea of, yes, we do have lots of different hats that we wear. And like you said, 50-60 years ago, the woman was the wife and the mother and the homemaker – that was the traditional role. It was like one identity that you had. Mother and homemaker might be the two different things, but they were kind of pretty seamlessly intertwined. Whereas now, a woman might be a CEO of a company, or a bus driver, or a surgeon, or a teacher, and they’re all roles that have a very clear set of tasks and a clear set of power and autonomy, and all sorts of these things that need to be done.
A lot of the resentment and guilt happens because women are switching the roles in their body, but they’re not switching the roles completely in their mind.
When they get home and if they have kids, there’s the role of the mother and the role of the wife and the role of a friend and the role of a lover with her partner. There’s all of these different roles that women switch between, and I think a lot of the resentment and guilt that happens happens because women are switching the roles in their body, but they’re not switching the roles completely in their mind. And so, I call it switching gears, like as if you got an old manual car and you’re switching gears.
If you’re going to do some work and you drop the kid off at daycare, then your child is in that daycare’s care. You are no longer for that period of time responsible for the care of your child. You are paying someone else. You’re delegating that role to the childcare center and the teachers and whoever were going to care of that child – that’s their responsibility. So you now handed over the responsibility of caring for your child to that person.
What often happens is that the mum will come home but she hasn’t fully handed the responsibility for her child over. She’s handed the child over but she’s kept the responsibility. And so, she might be calling the school or feeling like she’s not a good mum for not being with her child, or beating herself up for even putting her kid in daycare. And then a part of her consciousness, a part of her mind – and often a large part – is taken up with being with the child energetically and trying to be there and feeling guilty about. So you feel pulled. So then you’re not very efficient at doing your work and you can’t fully switch into the role of whatever the next thing is that you need to do. Even if that’s your job or if that’s taking some time for yourself or being with your partner or whatever it is, you’re not fully in the next role.
If you think about switching gears in an old manual car, you’re not in reverse but you’re not in first; you’re just kind of stuck in neutral. And so there’s this sense of not really getting things done or not really going anywhere, and it’s because you haven’t fully switched gears. That’s a big problem. I see that a lot in working mums. And it’s something that can be quite simple to switch when you allow yourself to have permission to switch gears:
“Okay, I’m handing my child over to this person. They’re responsible. I now give myself permission to do whatever it is that I’m switching into and really be that identity.”
Emma: And permission is so much a part of it, isn’t It? Before we started this podcast, I was talking to you and I was saying how I did a webinar last night and one woman wrote in the comments that she really needed to hear what I had to say on the webinar, but she felt guilty she’d left her daughter watching TV while she wanted to really learn what it was that I was teaching on the webinar. So, permission, it’s really such a key thing behind a lot of this stuff.
What I’d like to ask you, Kylie, before we kind of look at what can we do to give ourselves that feeling of enough that doesn’t involve adding to our to-do list, what I kind of wanted to just touch on before we get to that is, a lot of your work or the core of what you do has really been around weight loss, helping women lose weight. Is this why diets don’t work, basically?
Give yourself the permission to be in your body.
Kylie: Yes, 100% percent. With dieting as well, there’s a whole bunch of extra added issues as well of like, “I’m not feeling at home in my body, I don’t even have the permission to be in this body because this body…” A lot of women feel cut off at the neck because they’re not actually IN their bodies. They feel like their body has let them down, or there are stretch marks on their belly from having their baby, or they haven’t lose their baby weight, or they’ve got big thighs – whatever it is.
Women are always judging their bodies, and so they don’t actually give themselves permission to even be in the body that they’re in.
If anyone talks to you the way that you talk to your body, you would be horrified and aghast and get rid of that friend in your life immediately.
If you think about your body as if it was another person, if anyone talks to you the way that talk to your body, you would be horrified and aghast and get rid of that friend in your life immediately, because it would be a completely abusive relationship, right? If someone abused you the way that you abuse yourself and abuse your body, then you’d be in all sorts of trouble. And I remember reading this I think in a Malcolm Gladwell book a while back, this study on relationships. It was about married couples. The study said that when they interviewed different couples about their ups and downs at life, that if at any point in that interview either of the party showed signs of contempt, this kind of sneering or putting the other person down —
Emma: I just read that too.
Kylie: Did you?
Kylie: So if they showed any signs of contempt, putting the other person down, then the relationship likely is as over. Their marriage was doomed, basically. It just made me think “Oh my god!” We are showing contempt for ourselves internally hundreds of times a day with this not good enough thing. How can you possibly be in the right position to perform well or to thrive when someone is constantly putting you down and being contemptuous of your existence? And that’s the thing.
Why diets don’t work…
Emma: Holding on to all of that stuff, how much of a connection does that have do you think to holding on to weight?
Kylie: It is the absolute cause of holding on to weight. Yes, of course, you need to eat well and you need to exercise – that’s just kind of a given. But the main cause of being overweight is this mental and emotional weight. It’s the emotional contempt. It’s the shame. It’s the guilt. It’s the resentment. It’s the jealousy. It’s the feelings of unworthiness. They’re the heavy feelings that weighs you down and then lead to you wanting to pick yourself up and get through the day with wine, or chocolate, or hamburgers, or hot chips, or snacking at the cupboard when your kids have gone to sleep because it’s the only pleasurable time of your day.
The actual reason why you’ve become overweight and why you can’t shift the weight is those emotional reasons. And that’s why diets don’t work. Because you can force yourself to change on a physical level and force your body to shift, but until you deal with that emotional and mental weight, then you’re just going to go back to those old habits because the mental and emotional weight is still there.
It all begins with healing that relationship with ourselves.
Emma: What we’re really talking about here is it all begins within, right? And it all begins with, I guess, healing that relationship with ourselves. And as you said, things like diet and exercise, good habits, all of that, they are resources, they are things that we can bring in. But, really, at the heart of it is our relationship ourselves.
Someone said to me the other day: Is it possible that you can ever feel like you’re enough? Obviously, this is a lifelong journey, this sort of stuff that we’re talking about, it’s part of a overall journey. We’re not saying that you suddenly wake up one day and go, “Yeah! I am worthy!” That’s not necessarily going to happen because life is an evolving journey, so we’re not saying that the solution is —
Kylie: Suddenly flick a switch.
Emma: Yeah, because that’s not how it works. However, if you could offer sort of two points or whatever that are starting points for women who feel like they need to strive and do and do and do to be enough, where do you think they can at least start in terms of how they could have a healthier relationship with themselves?
How can women have a healthier relationship with themselves?
1. Start to get the resentment list and guilty list off the table
Kylie: I would start by writing a list of everything that is on their to-do list that they feel resentful of and heavy about doing, and go through and see if you can delegate or get someone else to do those things, to start with. Or even just enlisting help. The easy answer to that is, “Oh well, it’s easy for you if you run a business and you can do that” or, “Oh, you have the money to get a cleaner or to do something like that.” But it’s not necessarily about paying someone else to do it. It’s about honoring your feelings about what’s going on.
There’s only two things you can change. The things that you do, the choices that you make. Or if there’s something that needs to be done and you are the only person that can do it, then the only other thing that can change is how you approach that thing – how you choose to feel about it, how you choose to talk about that thing to yourself.
So if you’re cleaning the house going, “Oh, this is such a bore. I hate it. This is the worst thing ever!” and “Oh, I wish my kids would clean up their socks and I wish my husband would pick up this bloody, dirty shoes.” When you’ve got this litany of drama and resentment in your mind while you’re doing it, and it still needs to be you that’s doing it, then you’ve got to change the way that you approach that.
Sometimes when I clean the house, I’ll put on my favorite music and I’ll dance around the house, singing to my favorite music. And so, the house still gets cleaned but I can actually give myself permission to feel joy while I’m doing that thing.
It might be a simple as asking your husband to help out with something, or enlisting and teaching your kids to help with picking up their toys.
So that’s the first thing, to get clear on all the things that you’re resentful and just brainstorm where it is that you can either make them more pleasurable or get help with them in some way. And it might be a simple as asking your husband to help out with something, or enlisting and teaching your kids to help with picking up their toys or things like that. It can be simple things like that. Simple fixes that can make all the difference.
There’s three tips I’m thinking of right now. Starting to get the resentment list and guilty list off the table, and then saying no more often.
2. Say no more often
There’s this meme going around:
If it’s not a FUCK YES, it’s a NO.
If it’s not something that makes you go, “Oh yes! I really want to do this,” then just say no and give yourself permission to say no.
So many women don’t give themselves permission to say no. They feel like they’re putting the person down, or if someone asks then they have to do it, or this feeling of like “nice girls help people out.” If you don’t have time and someone’s asked you to help out at a parents and friends meeting, “I’m sorry, I’m busy, I can’t do that.” Or, “That’s not a priority for me right now. I can donate time in other ways or whatever.”
Just say no. If it’s not a real yes, don’t say YES out of obligation, say NO. Because you’re not doing anybody a favor saying yes out of obligation. You’re not doing the job well because you’re feeling obliged and resentful. And the other person doesn’t care. If you say no, they’ll just ask someone else. It’s not a big deal. So say no more often.
3. Practice giving yourself compliments
And the other thing is to practice giving yourself a compliment when you’re getting dressed. I know it sounds tiny. Like how could that possibly make a difference? Yeah, we all have parts of our bodies that maybe we would like to be slightly different, or slightly slimmer, or slightly more toned or whatever, but if you can focus on “Oh wow, your eyes look really nice today” or, “Gee, that color really brings out your hair or whatever,” then you’re stating to create a relationship with yourself and with your body that is going to move you in the right direction.
Start giving compliments to yourself and to others, and you’ll be surprised what starts to happen.
This idea of being kind to yourself, you’re changing your internal processing. And when you start to be kind to yourself and treat yourself as if they were a friend… When you look in the mirror, if your friend came up looking the way that you did, then what would you say to your friend? “Oh, wow! That brooch looks really nice on you” or, “Gee, that scarf looks is lovely” or, Wow, your hair looks nice today!” Start giving compliments to yourself and to others, and you’ll be surprised what starts to happen.
Emma: And sometimes people feel like that’s kind of being fake. Sometimes people go, “I feel uncomfortable doing that, it feels fake.” But we need to remember that in the same way that you compliment someone to build a resonance and relationship with them, you’re doing that with yourself – a resonance and a relationship with yourself. And, as I’ve said, it’s about retraining what you choose to focus on about yourself.
You are worthy and good enough right now.
Kylie: Yes, it’s changing what you focus on and giving your permission to be yourself. It’s that “Can I give myself permission to just be me?” and really think about that idea that you were a baby once and you were worthy and unique and a miracle when you were a baby. And you still are.
You are still are worthy and good enough and a miracle, and you don’t need to do anything to be that worthy. You are worthy right now. You are good enough right now. Even with stretch marks, even with cellulite, even with a debt or mortgage or bad hair, whatever it is. Even with pimples. Those things don’t give you your worth. You are worthy the way that you are right now. And when you start to remember that, it lightens things up and it allows you to disconnect your worth from the things that you do with your achievements.
When you can separate that out and know that you’re worthy regardless of whether you have a success, or whether you fail at something, or whether your kid is well-behaved or whether they have a tantrum at the mall, then you can know that you’re worthy regardless. And so then, it doesn’t matter so much.
You don’t need to put so much pressure on your kids to be perfect so that you can be seen as a parent. You don’t need to put so much pressure on yourself to have a perfect house so that you can feel like you’re as good as the neighbor down the street. You can start to really lighten up. And when that happens, then things that bring you joy naturally will start to bubble up from inside. And that’s a really beautiful place to be.
Just like you said, it starts with building a relationship with yourself. It’s like if I was dating myself then it’s going to take time to get to know myself and being kind to yourself. You’re building a friendship with yourself.
It’s always okay to feel the way we feel.
Emma: To recap those three points. You said honor your feelings. And I think what you’re talking about in there as well is like understanding your needs. I think a lot of the women that I’ve been in contact with, they don’t understand their needs or they want to know if it’s okay to feel the way they feel. And I think we need to remember, it’s always okay to feel the way you feel. How we respond or react is another matter. We don’t need to argue about whether or not it’s okay to feel the way we feel. It’s always okay to feel the way we feel.
Kylie: Always okay.
Emma: Know when to say no, it’s okay to say no. And practice giving compliments to yourself. Kylie, you said this really lightens up. So I guess what you’re really saying is that it’s starting to lift a burden and lift a weight off it. And when we start to feel that weightlessness, then that’s when we’re freed up to move forward.
Kylie: Exactly! Because so many of us are going through life with the anchors of the past tied to us. A lot of the stuff when I’m working with people, that not good enough thing, it might be a teacher that said, “You’re not good enough because you didn’t make the soccer team, you’re not in the A class of art.” And so, you get that starting point as a child of “I’m not good enough”.
But that’s an anchor from the past. That’s an event from that past. It doesn’t exist now. You’re not in primarily school anymore. You’re not as a teenager bullied at high school anymore. Those things are in the past. So many of us carry the burdens of the past with us. And that’s this weight that we’re carrying around, this burden of our past.
Give yourself the permission to be in this moment now.
It sounds trite, but it is possible to let the past go and it’s sometimes as simple as looking towards the future and coming back into your body now. The more you can be present to this moment now and give yourself permission to BE in this moment now – be in your body, be in this moment now, be here, be now – then the more weightless you’d become. Because this now moment is filled with infinite possibility.
The only time it feels like it’s not is because you’re playing stories and patterns and worries about the past or thoughts about the future which is when you’re projecting the past into your future. So the only time it feels heavy is when you’ve got the burden of time and anchors of time on there.
That’s why everyone’s talking about mindfulness. That’s the big craze in psychology at the moment – mindfulness and presence. That’s why. Because the weight comes with the burdens of the past when your mind gets stuck in the past. And that’s the key to becoming weightless. When you feel weightless then the things that bring you joy start to overflow like we were talking earlier on of like, How do we know when we want to achieve?
When you want to achieve and you’re feeling weightless, it’s because something is coming out of you, something is emerging from you. That’s a really cool place to be. Emerging from you being in the present moment, totally present. And that’s where we lose ourselves, in those moments of time where things just flow and it feels pleasurable. That’s really the core. That’s what life’s about. Those moments are what life’s about.
Are you ready to become WEIGHTLESS?
Emma: That’s a real sort of focus for you at the moment, this idea of weightlessness. If people wanted to find out a little bit about the work that you’re doing in that area in terms of really being a Weightless Woman, where can you point them towards?
Kylie: As a matter of fact, it just so happens that we’re having this conversation now, which is amazing because I’m hosting a Weightless Woman Weekend in Sydney. Not this weekend but the weekend after. If any Sydneysiders or anyone would like to fly in for our Weightless Woman Weekend, it’s super cheap. It is an amazing offer.
This is not just about weight loss on a physical sense. It’s about weightlessness in all areas of your life – weightlessness in your mind, in your body, in your spirit, to be able really be present with life and allow those beautiful things to emerge from you.
There’s a couple of tickets left. It’s nearly sold out. So if you’re keen to come along, then check out weightlesswoman.com.au and you’ll find all the details about that. We’re also holding an event on the Sunshine Coast in February. So if all the Sydney tickets are sold out by the time you get to the site, then grab a ticket for Sunshine Coast. That one’s going to be super fun as well. The same type of content, and it will be another Weightless Woman Weekend in the Sunshine Coast.
That’s where people can find me to find out more. This has been an awesome discussion, Emma. I’m so pleased that we had the chance to have this conversation.
Emma: Absolutely. It’s a conversation that has to be had and we women need to have more of these. People can find… if they go and look at mymindcoach.com.au, they’re going to find some very, very valuable and articles that they can have a look at. And don’t forget to check out weightlesswoman.com.au.
Kylie, it’s been an absolute pleasure to have you on the Woman On Fire podcast. Thank you so much!
Kylie: Thank you, Emma. And thank you for what you’re doing for women, being Woman On Fire. It’s this cool thing thing with women rising, this shift in consciousness that’s happening, is that as women rise, the cool thing is that they bring other women with them. And the more women can rise and the more you can step into your power and the more your listeners can step into their power and everybody listening in, the more that you can step into your power, you will create a positive ripple effect in your community, in your family. You will inspire your kids. It creates a ripple effect that actually does change the world.
Ghandi was right:
“Be the change you want to see in the world.”
Because if you get upset by the things that are happening on the news or all of the crazy things that are going on in our world these days, focus on what you can control and allow yourself to become Weightless, to become a Woman on Fire, to be productive and to work with Em, and to learn more about what you can do to really unleash yourself and really be the best that you can be. Because it’s going to create a positive ripple effect all across our world. So, do it. Allow yourself to rise.
Emma: Sounds like a call to arms, Kylie.
Kylie: It is. It is a call to arms!
Rise up, sisters! Rise up!
Emma: Thank you so much, Kylie.
Kylie: Absolutely! It’s my pleasure. It’s my absolutely pleasure, Em. Thank you for having me. It’s been an awesome conversation and I can’t wait to do more with you in the future.
Emma: Absolutely. Thank you!
Kylie: Awesome. Thanks, Em! Bye!